A Tinge of Green
A tinge of green and shame
are felt when I find
myself on the outside
looking in.
While I know disrespect
is never intended,
I succumb to my oneness
of being left out.
Not one to barge in
uninvited, I slink
into myself
and wander off
alone again.
are felt when I find
myself on the outside
looking in.
While I know disrespect
is never intended,
I succumb to my oneness
of being left out.
Not one to barge in
uninvited, I slink
into myself
and wander off
alone again.
posted by Vickie at 4:25 PM
8 Comments:
V, I hope you're not getting the urge to smack me. I am just seeing things I really like in your work and even more so if you make a few small changes to accentuate those things further. Hope that's OK...
A tinge of green
and shame are felt
when I find myself
on the outside
looking in.
While I know
disrespect is never
intended, I succumb
to the oneness
of being left out.
Not one to barge in
uninvited, I slink
into myself
and wander off
alone again.
OK, I separated "on the outside" for visual effect, as I did with "alone again" at the end. Also changed "I succumb/into my oneness" to "I succumb/to the oneness" because I think (and I could be wrong) that you succumb to something, not into something.
Hope this helps.
I've made something of a compromise with this one. Again, thanks for your help.
I hope you don't feel like you've overly compromised. You should always stay true to yourself. Feel free to tell me to go fly a kite!
Hmmm V, the desolateness comes through in this... it's very lonely and disconnected.
Since Erin started this, here's what I'd do:
A tinge of green, and shame
are felt when I find
myself on the outside
looking in.
Again, for the effect, visually, of having "myself" seperated, and "outside" emphasized by being out on the end of the line.
Really nice work lately V
I think I like that layout of the first strophe better. I didn't include the comma, though. I didn't feel it was needed. Thanks for the suggestion!
glad to be of service! :)
I went for more continuity in this piece and changed to four lines consistently until the solitary last line.
I think "alone again" works really well alone. :o) Nice job, V.
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